When you talk on the phone, you don’t have to say goodbye. When you have all the information you want, just hang up. Even if the other person is your boss and he called you, and he hasn’t finished talking, he’s fine, he just hangs up.
When you’re following someone and you don’t want them to see you, you don’t have to hide. Park your car in plain sight about twenty feet from where they are standing, and when they get out they won’t see you.
If someone shoots you with a machine gun or high-powered rifle, you can hide behind a bush or an empty trash can and the bullets won’t penetrate. Alternatively, you can push someone in front of you (even a corpse) and that person will absorb the bullets, keeping you safe.
While hiding behind the empty trash can, if you are shot by four people with machine guns and you only have one pistol, you will not get hurt. Wait for a pause in firing, then jump up, close your eyes, and fire four quick shots. You will get them all.
A ninety-pound woman, if she’s fit, can kick a 300-pound thug.
The same ninety-pound woman will never break her nose or lose any teeth while rolling the dice.
When you defuse a bomb or other explosive device, and there are five minutes left on the timer, go ahead and have a conversation with someone else. Wait until the timer goes down to 2-3 seconds before cutting that last wire.
When typing on a computer keyboard, type as fast as you like and don’t look at the keys, even while talking on the phone. You will never make a mistake or have to go back. This is especially important when time is short and you are writing a complex hacking program or writing in a security video.
When you’re stealing data from someone else’s computer, the moment you log in you’ll see exactly the files you need, conveniently displayed, and the printer is always ready.
Hardly anyone in the movies uses Windows on their computers. Their screens are much nicer than Windows screens, but no one in the real world has ever seen them… yet the characters know exactly how they work.
In the movies, everyone uses Apple laptops.
If you’re on foot and someone is chasing you in a car, don’t run sideways to get out of their way. Instead, run in the middle of the street or alley to make it easier for them to run you over.
If you’re a cop and your suspect runs into a dark building, follow him inside, but whatever you do, don’t turn on the lights. Turning on the lights might help you see him before he shoots at you, and that would never work.
If you are hunting a suspect in a dark room with a gun and a flashlight, be sure to hold the light directly in front of your body to give the suspect a clear target.
It only takes three or four minutes for two women in high heels to dig a six foot deep grave big enough to contain a coffin.
When digging up a coffin in a municipal cemetery at night, turn on your car’s headlights so you can see what you’re doing. No one will notice or call the police.
If you hear an intruder in your home and find a broken window, don’t run away or call the police. Instead, move cautiously through the house (in the dark) and continually yell, “Is anyone there?” (Works even better with a British accent: “Is anyone theah?”)
When you have sex, you have to start outside the house or apartment. First they back-slam the door while feverishly kissing. Once inside the apartment, head to the bedroom and leave your clothes on the way. Go to bed ready for sex, but you don’t need to remove your underwear, copulation is apparently possible while fully clothed below the waist.
If you’re a mature adult and something bothers you, don’t handle it like an adult. Instead, sweep all the papers off your desk (including computers and other expensive hardware), flip the desk over, knock down the bookshelves, throw chairs out the window, and just throw a tantrum like any responsible adult would. This sets a good example for the children to follow. This is especially appropriate if you are an elected official.
If you need to whistle to get someone’s attention, it’s easy: just stick two fingers in your mouth and blow. The result will be a high-pitched, piercing whistle that will wake the dead. No practice required, anyone can do it.
If you’re ever at the scene of a plane crash, you don’t need to worry about fire. Despite the hundreds of tons of jet fuel that will be spilled, all you need to worry about is the dozen small bonfires burning in isolated spots around the crash site. Also, all the bodies will be intact, and you might even run into a survivor here and there, even if the plane crashes from 30,000 feet.
If you’re a computer geek and someone hacks into your mainframe from the outside, you won’t have any trouble fixing it because you can look at fast-scrolling binary and hexadecimal number lines and read them with no problem. You will have the problem solved in about thirty seconds.
If two or more men commit rape, they all laugh like hyenas all the time.
All the ancient Romans spoke with a British accent.
When a tire blows out, there’s always a flash under the wheel well and a sound like a rifle shot.
If your house catches fire and the fire department is on the way, stay inside the burning house until they arrive, even if it takes an hour. It’s much more dramatic when you’re walking out the door with the flames chasing you, or even if you’re on fire yourself, than it is to stand on the grass and wait for help.
In movies and television, it is possible to stand in the pouring rain while the sun reflects off the metal surfaces around you.
When you park your car, you don’t need to lock it. When you get back, don’t bother checking the back seat for intruders. If someone with a club is waiting there to strangle you, you’d probably prefer not to know.
If the movies are accurate, no one but me eats dinner before 8pm. Usually it’s even later, as the filmmakers pick up their dinner dates at eight, then head to a nice restaurant where they have reservations for ten.
If you ever have to remove a bullet from someone’s body, it’s important that when you retrieve the bullet, you drop it on a metal plate from at least six inches, to get that satisfying “clunk” sound.
When you go after that bullet, you won’t have to go very deep. Even if it is a 20mm round, it will lodge just under the skin where you can easily reach it.
Even in 2020, people staying in hotels, when they watch TV, can only see old westerns from the 1950s shot in black and white, usually with Indians attacking wagons.
If you’re an overweight fifty-year-old cop wearing cowboy boots and find yourself chasing a six-foot-two twenty-year-old suspect who runs like a deer, make sure you yell “Halt! Police!” He won’t stop right away, but if you keep yelling as he fades into the distance, you might just wear him down.
If you are driving a car with a passenger in the front seat, feel free to maintain full eye contact while having a conversation with that person. No matter if you’re on a highway or a busy city street, you don’t need to keep your eyes on the road. Really, it will be fine, you won’t have an accident.
When the assassins are after you, make sure you run across the roughest terrain you can find, then continually look over your shoulder so you can’t see where you’re going. That way you’ll be sure to fall flat on your face multiple times, just to keep things exciting.
If you have a really cool and fast sports car, like a Camaro or better, it’s important to spin your tires every time you pull out of the driveway or parking lot. There’s no particular reason for it, it’s just the right thing to do.
If you are a police officer driving a fast car chasing a suspect, make sure you sneak every time they turn a corner. It might slow you down for a few seconds while you regain control, but it helps you catch the bad guy a bit quicker.
If someone kidnaps your child and demands a ransom, you’ll probably call the FBI. They will install telephone tracking equipment at your home to track down the kidnappers. Now, when the kidnappers call to tell you where to take the ransom, don’t answer right away. Let the phone ring fifteen or twenty times before answering. The thieves will never suspect that you are delaying so the feds can begin their tracking.
If you’re chasing a killer in a dark alley or warehouse, an alley cat will jump out of the shadows and scare you. You’ll sigh in relief, and that’s the exact moment the killer will jump you from behind.
Police cars must always start, stop and take a turn with tires screeching. It doesn’t help them catch thieves faster, but it’s great for Goodyear’s bottom line. Buy shares in tire companies.
Security guards fall into two categories: 1) old fat retirees who always get hit on the head and die, or 2) police academy rejects who just can’t wait to shoot someone.
When chasing a suspect down the street, a police officer may be struck by a speeding car, cartwheel several times in the air, land on his feet, and continue pursuit.
When cars fall off a cliff, they will always explode when they hit the bottom, and the explosion will happen inside the car.
If someone ever puts a bomb in your house or car, it will go off twenty-six times, allowing for very interesting images from twenty-six different directions.
Now it is possible to pour gasoline over an entire floor, wait until the room is filled with explosive gases, and then strike a match to threaten your hostages and the policeman who is there to arrest you. When the match burns to the fingers, you can drop it without fear of igniting gasoline fumes.
Even if you shoot someone with an elephant gun, it will just put a little red hole in their forehead.
If you ever run from the police, the best way to escape is to drive the wrong way in rush hour traffic at 90 mph. It’s easy, just turn the steering wheel left and right and the other cars will move out of your way.
When you smoke a cigarette, take a puff or two (but don’t inhale) and then put it out. If that doesn’t satisfy your craving, you can always light another. After all, they only cost a dollar each.
When people in movies have cancer, they never lose weight. The day they die, they are still robust and full meat.
Fire victims in movies can have all their skin burned, but not their hair. They will write and scream in agony while perfectly coiffed.
People who live in Boston and New York have a California accent.
If you walk into a room (or jail cell) and find someone hanging by a rope from the ceiling light, you should not (and this is very important) leave the tray they are carrying. Even if the tray contains expensive crystal glasses or highly unstable nitroglycerin, you absolutely MUST throw it away and let it all break down. This is how you do it.
Parishioners of the Old West knew only two hymns: Amazing Grace and Bringing In the Sheaves.
In the 24th century, when Starfleet rules the galaxy, everyone in France will speak with a Shakespearean accent.
People on TV hate being indoors. They constantly need to “get some air.”