Let me give you a very effective recipe to “get sick as soon as possible” – just go and try to fix other people’s problems!
I’m not kidding! Always trying to find solutions to problems that are not yours is a dangerous path to follow. Why is that? First, because you are living in someone else’s energy field and you don’t belong there. Second, because as long as you are in the energy field of another to whom you do not belong, you cannot be present in your own energy field. So you are making two mistakes at the same time.
Always ask yourself: “Whose problem is it?” If the answer is “he” or “she”, then don’t interfere! Never help when you haven’t been asked to help! We are talking about personal issues, of course, not life-threatening situations. When your neighbor’s house is on fire, you need to provide assistance immediately. Or when someone has been hit by a car, then you shouldn’t find out whose problem it is first. In cases like this, you will instinctively help.
But in all other situations, the rule is: stay away from problems that do not belong to you! Only if you really long to carry a big load on your shoulders, only if you like to carry heavy weights and have back pain, then you should keep trying to solve other people’s problems. The golden rule for those who have a tendency to help too much is: don’t help at all! Unless you are explicitly asked to help, AND if you want to! In all other cases, you are not really helping the other, you are interfering.
Most of the time helping someone is an excuse, so you can keep busy and forget about the emptiness inside of you. In this case you are “using” the other to fill your own void. In other cases, wanting to help can be a control mechanism. By helping the other, you are actually overshadowing the other’s life. How many mothers continue to wash their son’s clothes even after he has turned thirty? How many mothers continue to overshadow the lives of their adult children? Mom should get back into her own life and give her children some space to grow and discover for themselves. If you are always by her side, always “helping”, then you are overshadowing her life, because you are blocking part of the sunlight. Make way for him and let them bask in the sun without interference.
Don’t help, unless you’re asked for help and really feel like lending a hand. Don’t offer to help, but let the other ask you to. If you are offering help all the time, then you are preventing others from having their necessary and valuable learning experience: they must learn to solve problems for themselves. They must learn to generate energy by themselves. If you’re always around, they’ll never bother to come up with a creative solution to their problems, because you’re preventing them from becoming more mature and independent.
Some people always interfere in other people’s affairs, under the guise of helping. But there are also people who always look for others to help them, instead of doing it themselves. If people, even those close to you, are always waiting for you to help them, then say “no” if you think they should get themselves out of this mess. This sounds pretty harsh, I know. However, letting your adolescent or adult children struggle to solve their problems on their own is an act of love! Your heart may be aching at the moment, but you also know that if you let them handle things on their own, they’ll learn the most valuable lesson there is: “I can do all of this by myself!”
So step back and let them discover their own inner strength. Observe, watch, be ready in case things get out of hand, but don’t interfere. To put it cruelly: it’s not your problem, it’s theirs! Your heart may bleed, but don’t pay your 25-year-old son’s rent. Find work for yourself. Don’t give him a job at the same bank where dad works! That would be too easy and you would be confirming her idea that dad is always there to fill in the blanks. No! Your darling should learn to fill in the blanks by himself. If you have to work in the factory to be able to pay the bills at the end of the month, then do it. Even if it hurts you to see this unfold, and even if it’s hard on him too. Don’t take away this important learning opportunity! Loving is not the same as helping. Stepping aside is so much more an act of love than always being there to do whatever you think they can’t!
Their self-esteem grows with the ability to solve problems on their own. Don’t take this opportunity away from them. Ask yourself: “Whose problem is it?” You are NOT the one to solve your children’s problems! They do! Let them feel what life is really about and feel the satisfaction of being able to find their own solutions.
Don’t get involved in other people’s problems. Your boss, colleagues, husband, mother-in-law, friends and children, let everyone find their own solutions. Their problems belong to them, not to you! The right solutions have to come from them, not from you! This way you will save a lot of energy that will allow you to get on with your own life. Trying to solve problems that don’t belong to you is a quick ticket to severe fatigue and depression! You don’t have to interfere, and you shouldn’t. Give everyone the freedom to solve their own problems. And you? Solve yours! Don’t you have any problem? Thank God for that! Now go ahead and LIVE!