The short answer is “Could be.” If you want to know what happy people can do to avoid being hurt in relationships, keep reading!
Your mind is made up of two parts; the creative part and the logical part. We will call the first part System 1 and the second part System 2.
Here are more detailed descriptions of each system:
System 1: good humor, strong intuition, increased creativity and innovation, credulity, prone to logical errors
System 2: vigilance, analytical, increased mental effort, sadness, suspicion, and always on guard
Is this an “either/or” situation? Can you have the best of both worlds? Yes, this is how the human mind is made, to go from moments of threat, concentration and focus to moments of openness, relaxation and creativity. The problem arises when a person chooses to remain in one system or another.
For example, if you have been hurt in a relationship, either current or past, you may be holding on to feelings and thoughts associated with the pain you felt. Increasingly, your System 2 becomes compromised and ever vigilant to look for additional ways you are being hurt, the ease with which you used to interact changes to require more mental and emotional effort, the feeling of sadness at what you have lost in which the relationship (resentment) develops, and his guard is always alert to prevent further harm. This is detrimental to the relationship because it can create a downward spiral of interaction and get the other person involved in their System 2 as well. An illustration I use for this is the person you observe from a distance in a restaurant. They complain to the hostess/hostess and are short to the waiter/waitress. If they came with someone else, even that person is treated rudely and unkindly. Why do they behave like this? Very simply, they have been hurt and they behave this way to keep everyone away so they don’t get hurt again.
The opposite can also be true. If you’ve been hurt in a relationship and you’re still operating in your System 1, it’s easy to be taken advantage of. The other person keeps doing and saying things that hurt, but your System 1 is not thinking logically, it is gullible and makes you get creative and in a good mood, believing that you will find a way to improve the relationship. Many times not. And you hurt yourself easier and more often.
True happiness is only found when you strike the right balance between System 1 and System 2. Just suppose you could go back to the magical moment when you first got into the relationship. Somewhere between there and where you are now is the balance point. In the first weeks or months of the relationship, your System 1 was in charge. You immediately got in a good mood whenever you saw the person or even heard his name. Both were creative in their relationship, regularly surprising each other with gifts, phone calls, text messages, cards, and the like. Most of the time you went by your instincts (intuition) and things that you normally wouldn’t do or would have done didn’t matter, if they pleased the other person. Consider where you are in that relationship now, perhaps months or years from now. Many people find that it requires more work and energy (System 2) than they are willing to spend to find the same level of excitement and enjoyment, or even close to it.
So how do you find that balance between System 1 and System 2? Here are 3 steps that I have found very successful when working with my clients:
1. Know your values
These values are what make you who you are. When you know what you value most and respect it, you will not allow conflict to exist for long. Let the person you are in a relationship with know what your values are, and unless you choose to change them, never allow someone to disrespect you by causing conflict. This allows you to stay in System 1 where you are happy, creative, intuitive, but no longer gullible because you know your values. Your time in System 2 will be kept to a minimum.
2. Know what your mission in life is
Once you know your values, you begin to understand your purpose in life. Here are some areas to consider: How do you want to serve those around you? What contributions do you want to make to your family, community, city, state, nation, globally?
3. Based on the first two exercises, now, how do you see your future in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years and beyond? Now you can create a solid vision of what your life will look like.
When you have the stability of these three components under you, you can confidently know when to increase your mental effort and enter System 2 to be critical, logical, focused, vigilant, and even suspicious and avoid the injuries that would otherwise result. The rest of the time you can fully enjoy life in System 1; be in a good mood, let creativity and innovation thrive, and let your intuition guide you. Has the time come to find that balance?