Getting through the school year is tough enough, but trying to navigate the school year with a high-conflict co-parent is even tougher. Here are some tips to reduce stress.
1. Make sure the school has all the important information they will need for each of you. By taking the time to provide each parent’s mailing address, email address, and any other relevant contact information, you will save yourself time and hassle. Included with this information should be copies of your custody agreement and parental access agreement so that the school knows who is the primary caregiver during the course of each school day. Schools must, by law, honor the custody agreement and, unless permission has been otherwise granted, they cannot release your child to the other parent if it is not their parenting time.
2. Any school documents you receive and need to share with your ex must be scanned and emailed or delivered certified mail. By using these methods, you are protecting yourself from the accusation that you are excluding your ex from your child’s education. Remember, sending documents with your child to your ex is putting the child in the middle. Never put your child in the middle.
3. Money is a hot topic for a high conflict ex and this is where a strong parenting agreement comes into play. Some people feel that if they pay child support, then they shouldn’t be responsible for paying any other extra costs that come with school, such as tuition, field trips, Santa’s shopping, and dress down days. By having a strong co-parent agreement, you can avoid the conflict that comes with the financial aspects of the school. For example: Joe agreed to pay all of the private school expenses, but because everything was not described in detail, Sarah ended up paying over $1000 in additional expenses related to sending her son to the private school. Do not fool yourself! Know your deal! But don’t make it a battle. Remember, your child is the important person and if he needs money for something at school, give it to him instead of putting him in the middle of a battle. They have enough on their plates to get them through the year without parents fighting over money. If you are the parent responsible for the extra expenses and your child will be staying with their ex the night before Santa’s shop or outing, be sure to provide the money to your child before they leave.
4. Using a shared calendar with your ex so that each of you can schedule activities and chores for the child will alleviate some of the confusion in communication with your ex. All is well there for each of you to see. This method also serves to demonstrate to court workers (judges, attorneys, therapists, GALs) how effectively each of you communicates, shares parenting, and meets the educational needs of the child. There are a multitude of great programs for co-parents to communicate. It is up to you to find one that suits your needs.
5. Request that your school provide 2 sets of textbooks for your child so that both you and your ex have a set in your own homes. By choosing to do this, you reduce the chance that your child will not have the right books to study, do homework, or take to school, and that reduces stress for your child.
6. Plan ahead when it comes to school projects. Help your child start projects early so they are completed early and at the appropriate parent’s home the night before the due date.
7. Teacher conferences are held several times during the school year. Check your co-parent agreement to let you know who is responsible for attending, if you are going together, if you have separate appointments, only one parent, or if an independent representative is attending. It is up to you to know your agreement.
8. Never speak negatively about your ex with teachers, the principal, or any member of the administrative staff. Your job is to educate your child, not play therapist. While most schools understand divorced or separated households and are willing to accommodate their needs, they prefer to be neutral and that should be respected.
Remember that this is your child’s education, so forget about what is “fair” and put your child’s needs before your own emotional responses. The goal is for your child to be stress free and for the school year to run smoothly.